Walter James Sylvia’s journey from alcohol addiction to poetry

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Alcohol addiction has taken almost everything away from Walter James Sylvia.

But it hasn’t taken away his words.

Last May, after more than four decades of addiction, the New Bedford native published “Necessary Surrender,” a book of 27 poems based on his struggles with alcoholism and homelessness. The poems were written in 2020 at the urging of a mental health clinician, who suggested Sylvia start journaling about his experiences dealing with anxiety and stress. Having been a singer/songwriter for 30 years, writing was a familiarity to Sylvia, but for the first time he was detailing and chronicling his experiences as an addict.

Sylvia, 62, said he had his first drink at age 7 and was diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic as a teenager. His first detox was at the age of 19 and he wasn’t fully sober until the age of 30. There have been relapses since, but none in the last two years and three months.

Sylvia describes the book as “reflections of my meditations on my life past and present, my vehicle for spiritual expression. It’s an opportunity to focus my thoughts and emotions. It would be important to anybody who has had a traumatic life.”

He is a lifelong New Bedford resident, growing up in the West End in the 1960s and in the North End in the 1970s. His family has lived in New Bedford since the late 1800s.

For three decades he was the vocalist/lyricist and sometimes guitar player for local alternative and heavy metal bands that performed throughout New England. He spent a year in Asheville, North Carolina, as the frontman for the alternative rock band, Man Made God.

Sylvia, a New Bedford High graduate, is a 2011 graduate of the Trundy Institute for Addiction Counseling in New Bedford. Today he facilitates a weekly men’s 12-step group as part of Alcoholics Anonymous.

“It’s been hard through all of my falling down and getting back up again,” Sylvia said. “I struggled to admit that I was homeless and say that I was an alcoholic in recovery, but I got over myself and I put the ego aside and said, ‘There’s someone out there who’s homeless or an alcoholic or a drug addict and they’re struggling, and maybe they would like to know that there’s a way out and that they could do something like this — publish a book, write a song, do a painting, run for office, whatever.’ So I decided to put my ego aside and go with this.”

Sylvia, who said he’s currently writing a second book, sat with The New Bedford Light to discuss his life as an addict and how he’s grown, how he helps others, why he published this book and the effect he’d like it to have.

New Bedford Light: What are the different themes of the book? What are you addressing in “Necessary Surrender?”

Walter J. Sylvia: It’s definitely in allegorical language. Poetry just seemed to be the perfect fit for trying to express mental, emotional and spiritual transformation that happens inside when you have a growth period, an epiphany, a revelation, whatever. It’s so hard to explain that to someone sometimes. For me, writing this poetry was the perfect vehicle for me to express myself concerning that.

NBL: What time period does it cover?

WJS: The book opens up with a couple of poems that describe feelings and perspectives of when I was going through really dark times in my life, so that could cover anything from early teens all the way up to my mid- to late 50s.

NBL: What are the experiences you touch upon?

WJS: It’s a funny thing. I don’t get too descriptive about the homelessness or any of those adventures that I’ve had in the gutter. I’m doing that now in the second book, which is turning out to be prose. I do touch upon — like the first poem in the book — the end of the road. It’s such a short poem but it touches on everything. It covers the whole span of my life. My life’s mistakes, my life’s poor choices, traumas and everything. There’s a result that comes from this and the realization that I control nothing. It’s kind of a Buddhist or Zen understanding that I have to let this stuff go. And so the very first poem really, really encapsulates the whole thing.

NBL: When did you actually write the poetry?

WJS: I started writing it in 2020 and I finished it in a couple of months’ time. It was something I was doing in my spare time as a meditative thing. I got so dependent on it, in a positive way, that I was able to start enjoying it. I liked being able to externalize my feelings. That was just the bomb.

NBL: You were a lyricist for 30 years, but was this your first experience with poetry?

WJS: It’s similar. I enjoy both equally. It’s been a long time since I’ve done any songwriting. The poetry is just like writing song lyrics to me, except I get to flesh out some things that I wouldn’t in a song.

NBL: Where did the title “Necessary Surrender” come from?

WJS: It was an axiom in the recovery community that I came across that just blew me away. Because I had spent my entire life trying to control everything — to be the man and fix this, do this right, work hard and everything. Toughen up fluffy. Anyway, I had never put my thought into surrender being a very powerful move that would result in strength.

Surrender was always seen as a weakness. I was a Viking. I wasn’t giving up on anything. It’s a spiritual principle too in so many other religions and faiths, spiritual paths.

NBL: What role have religion and spirituality played in your recovery?

WJS: I think because I’ve had such an interest in all things religious and spiritual my entire life, since I was a boy, that it was much easier for me that when I was disappearing into addiction and trying on so many levels, it was much easier for me to grab a hold of faith than it is for so many people who don’t have faith in anything. … So for them it’s a scary business, having to believe in Santa Claus all of a sudden. So that’s the part it’s played in my life.

NBL: Has it played a role in your recovery?

WJS: Definitely, because I have some semblance of spiritual principles within my understanding. I would always hit a wall with everything, with understanding everything, with comprehending everything, which was equated to learning disabilities and all sorts of stuff. But because I had such a voracious level of spiritual principles I could continue to learn about them and reflect on them and live with them. That was foreign to me — living spiritual principles as a daily practice for living, which produced the title “Necessary Surrender.” I really had to put my hands up and say, “Look, I’m not God, I don’t control the universe. I’m not going to beat a river into submission, I’m going to go with the flow.” This filled me with so much hope and it gave me a strength that I could plug into every day when I needed it.

NBL: Are you still writing these days? And if so, what are you writing about?

WJS: Yeah, I’ve started writing a second book, and it’s not just poetry. It’s really going to be undefinable, an abstract mix of prose, poetry, some lyrics. It’s turning out to be vaguely hidden in the background as my life story. I’ve made myself a character in the book, and there are people that are characters in the book, but I’m making myself someone else. I’m tying it in with a lot of different spiritual principles, teachings that I’m studying and learning about. It’s actually turning into a painting, which is really strange. I tried painting when I was younger. I’ve always loved art. But it was the same thing with the guitar — I could never be disciplined enough. Maybe my passion wasn’t enough, maybe I had ADHD and just couldn’t focus enough and got bored with it.

This is all new to me. It’s exciting. I’m having a great time with this. I can filter my ego right out of it. I can still pat myself on the back jokingly, but I’m enjoying it.

NBL: How therapeutic and cathartic is it for you to write?

WJS: It’s awesome. It’s like anything else — the more I do it the better it gets. The more I can utilize, the more I can get from it. And who knows, maybe the better I’ll get at it. But that being said, when I put it down and get lazy or complacent there goes my skill out the window if I’m not practicing it, like anything else.

NBL: Are you much of a reader?

WJS: Yeah, I used to read a lot of fiction when I was younger, science fiction, supernatural stuff. Somehow I’ve morphed into reading ancient spiritual tomes.

NBL: What was your creative process like for “Necessary Surrender?”

WJS: This whole thing for me, most importantly, was about acceptance of my life, where I was at. Acceptance of the fact that I wasn’t everything I was cracked up to be. I wasn’t what I thought I was. All these delusions I had, like anybody has. It was really an ego-deflating experience. But what came with that was such a freedom. There’s a line in one of the poems in the book, and it’s an axiom of A.A. as well, it’s “freedom from bondage of self.” And it’s given me that. Applying it to my daily living. That’s where the real magic happens.

But to be able to do this for myself — it’s a small, self-published book of poetry — it feels great. I feel good about myself. One of the ailments I suffer from is low self-esteem. That’s spoken of in the recovery community too, is that addicts and alcoholics suffer from low self-esteem and grandiosity at the same time. So it’s a swinging pendulum with no filter in the middle.

NBL: What would you like people to take away from this book?

WJS: The joy of surrendering. That’s the high end, that’s the big expectation. That would feel so good to me if someone told me that it made them a little less afraid to just surrender to life and embrace it. Surrender their fears, give them away, just trusting in life and being alive.

NBL: What is your advice for other people dealing with addiction who may want to write but have never really done it before? Particularly after reading your book.

WJS: Do it, just start. Look for that willingness inside of you to try something different. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, so try something new. The worst that can happen is that you’ll learn more about yourself. You may even become hopeful.

NBL: Would you like to help others through your experiences?

WJS: Yeah, I definitely would. The things that are suggested in the program of recovery, I try to work on those and that’s being of some form of service — giving a smile to someone, being a comfort to a newcomer who has no idea what to do to stop. They’re trapped. It’s like they’re possessed, they’re asking for help. That’s the easiest form of service, to be there and say “I know how you feel, I was there not too long ago.” Two years ago I started a men’s 12-step meeting locally. I facilitate that every week. I started it when I was in treatment. I’ve been going to A.A. since 1979. I didn’t get sober until 1990. And I’ve had my relapses. I’ve had many years of sobriety but I’ve also thrown them away in a heartbeat. Sometimes for traumatic reasons, loss of life and everything. And sometimes for no apparent reason at all. But I had suddenly become arrogant in a nano-second. So it’s mind boggling.

NBL: Does it feel good to help others?

WJS: It does. What feels great is just being there and thinking of others instead of thinking about myself. Not totally self denigrating but just moving myself out of the picture and making it about someone else. It ain’t about me. What can I do to help them up? What can I do to make them feel comfortable in that moment? What can I do to help them understand that there is hope, and there is a way out, and I’m not the only one who knows how to do it. There’s millions.

NBL: What are the social stigmas about addiction? Are there misconceptions and what are they?

WJS: One of the oldest misconceptions, which turns it into a stigma, is that it’s just a matter of willpower. Now here’s a loaded statement, because it’s partially true, but it’s not completely true. It’s not the end-all answer because you’re dealing with a duality, people caught in a duality — two different parts of their personality and they don’t know which one to go with. 

It’s mental illness, which is the bottom line. In the state of Massachusetts it’s designated as a mental illness, for many reasons. But what happens is that you take this mental illness that this person already had and you throw alcohol or drugs onto the fire and that creates three times the neurosis and permanent damage to the brain cells. It’s not a joke, this is real damage that happens and is irrevocable. 

You have to live with that now. There’s no going back. You learn to cope better with life, but you’re still going to have that damage. Damage to the organs and the nervous system that people just don’t realize. Alcoholism is number three on the list for people who develop Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, and of course many of the cancers — pancreatic cancer, cancer of the liver, it goes on and on. I want to remain at the service level in the recovery community. I once thought I wanted to be a substance abuse counselor. I went to school for it, I graduated but I did not go for licensing.

It’s fine to have the terminology and medical understanding, but something that makes a real difference in recovery is someone who’s been there. Someone who’s been there is so valuable and probably the only person that a newcomer who’s still sick and suffering is going to be able to trust or relate to. “You were like I am? How did you get out? How did you stop?” And they can trust that. So I really want to help that in some capacity. One of my short-term goals is advocating for the homeless, just trying to find out in what capacity I can do that. I’m just now getting out of homelessness.

NBL: What is your next step?

WJS: I have been blessed with subsidized housing for people 62 and older. A lot of blessings have come into my life. I’ve been homeless since 2019 and I’m really tired. I’ve been working really hard at doing the right thing and working on myself constantly and it’s paying off.

NBL: In more than 40 years how have you seen the treatment and care for addiction evolve and improve?

WJS: You mentioned the stigmatization. Although the stigma is still there, it’s not as big as it used to be. Education about alcoholism and drug addiction has become huge, because one out of every three people —  everyone knows someone, either a friend or a family member who is suffering. And I’ve had people yell at me, “Don’t call it suffering. You could stop at any time. It’s not like you have cancer.” But the thing is, like I said, they’re partially right. It’s a matter of will, but it’s a matter of being willing to help trust someone to help guide you through because there’s no friggin’ way you’re going to do it alone.

When I put on the back cover of the book that I was homeless and a recovering alcoholic I was on the fence as to whether I was going to say that or not. I had to decide whether I was going to share this or not. And then I thought, “You know what, this is going to benefit someone else.”

The other side of that would be “I don’t want anyone to know I’m homeless or that I’m an alcoholic.” But to hell with that. I know too many people out there that are suffering from it. 

There are some people out there who are hopeless, and I would just like them to see “Look, here’s a homeless guy who’s now getting his life together, getting housing. He wrote a book of poetry and he published it. Maybe I can do that, too.” That’s all.

“Necessary Surrender” is published by Outskirts Press, an online company based in Colorado. A copy is available at the New Bedford Main Public Library and can be accrued through the SAILS network.

Sean McCarthy is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to The New Bedford Light.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

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